Back to our new normal

Hey guys!  I kind of went into a weird direction with my post yesterday, but I really felt like I needed to share my anxiety struggles  with you all.  It may seem sort of insignificant to you, but it is anything but for me.  To finally have my anxiety under control once and for all, after all those years of being a prisoner to my own mind, has been absolutely life changing for me!!  I decided that a life altering experience was worthy of a post.  Today I will be back to talking about all the things that have happened over the past week in the chaotic Heltsley Household!

Our little Bently hit the one month mark on Sunday! I have a love/hate relationship with Sundays because that is the day that I do all my catching up with housework and getting everything prepared for the week ahead.  It is also the only day off that we get all week, since Jayson works for 10hrs on Saturdays now. Sundays are when we make our family memories whether it is taking the kids out of the house and going somewhere fun or sitting on the couch together watching movies and eating snacks.  This Sunday we went grocery shopping, then we did the latter for the remainder of our day.  This week kicked off Dakoda’s first full week of school.  I also have a 9 year old boy, Bryott, who gets dropped off here by his mom at 6am and gets on and off the bus with Dakoda. While I did take time off from babysitting while Bently was in the NICU, I took Bryott back on the first day of school since I had to get Koda on and off the bus anyway.  I have been watching Bryott for a little over a year now, along with his 3 year old little sister, Addie.  I took an extra week off from watching her so I could get Bently settled and try to get into some sort of routine with him and the boys before adding another child to the mix.  Since Addie isn’t in school yet, she’s here all day, every day during the week.  Her first day back here was on Monday.  I was a little worried that it was going to be too much for me to handle just yet, but it turned out to be a lot better than I had imagined!  She listens very well and helps out as much as she can.  On Monday night, Bently slept 6hrs straight overnight!!  I was a little worried about letting him go that long without eating, even though he clusterfeeds for about 4.5 hours straight before bed, which usually ends up being around 10pm.  On Tuesday, Jayson had an interview for a better position within the company he works for.  It would mean he gets a company truck (which will save us a ton in gas money since the he can use the company fuel card as well), a raise and a better insurance plan.  Fingers crossed that he will get the position!  If not, there is always next time, and the next open position would probably keep him a lot closer to home rather than an hour or two away.  Tuesday night, Bently did NOT sleep through the night at all! We were up basically the entire night.  His nose was stuffy and he couldn’t breathe with a Binky in his mouth, which means he couldn’t sleep. I attempted to use the bulb syringe to clear his little nose out, but the one I had was too big for his tiny nostrils! It was a very long night for me!  Luckily, Bently had a wellchild visit Wednesday morning.  He was up to 6lb 4oz!!  That is a gain of a total of 1lb 6oz just since he has been home!  I asked his pediatrician about his stuffy nose and she assured me it wasn’t a cold or anything.  She suggested I get saline drops for him, which I did, along with a smaller bulb syringe.  I also asked her if it was ok to let him sleep at night instead of waking him every 3 hours to eat.  She said that would be absolutely fine since he is gaining well and eats a lot more than the minimum recommended.  After the appointment, we got big bro off of the bus. Dakoda had a guilty smile on his face the minute he stepped off.  I asked him what he did and, after a little protest, he informed me that he got his first girlfriend. 😣 Her name is Kayla and they’re in the same class and ride the same bus.  They also hold hands.  Lord, help me!!!  I am not ready for all that just yet!! LOL.  I hope she doesn’t break his heart! He has been excited about going to school this year, which is a drastic change from the last 3 years, so maybe it isn’t such a bad thing? After h gushed all about his new girl for a while, we proceeded to do our usual nightly routine: homework, dinner, baths, tv, then bed.  Bently slept so much better on Wednesday night with a clear nasal passage!  As a matter of fact, he slept another 6 hours straight!  From 10pm until 4am.  4am is a little early but I had plenty of time to feed him, pump, enjoy a few cups of coffee and hang out with Jayson for a few minutes before he went to work Thursday morning. Later that morning, I realized that I was in dire need of some preemie formula.  I can not keep up with how much milk Bently needs, so we mix his bottles with half formula and half breast milk most of the time.  Since Addie was back and we HAD to have the formula, I had my first outing to the grocery store with Bently and Addie on my own.  I seriously felt so incredibly accomplished that we all made it through the store and back home in one piece!!!  Both kids were pretty worn out after that and actually took naps at the same time!  I was able to get some cleaning done and post on my blog while they slept!  After the boys got home from school, they both did their homework without a fight, so they were awarded coveted PlayStation 3 time together, which I usually allow them to do every Thursday, as long as they’re good all week.  After Bryott and Addie were picked up, I made dinner as usual and we waited for Jayson to get home so we could eat as a family.  Eating as a family is mostly a joke anymore, since Bently apparently always knows when its dinnertime and the exact second that I sit down to eat.  Cue the hungry “squeak” he lets out every time I finally sit down in front of my plate, without fail.  Even if he just finished eating, he must be entertained right this very second!!  We always make it work one way or another, though.  Besides, Jayson enjoys the time he is able to spend with him while he is wide awake.  From roughly 530pm right up until bedtime are Bently’s prime hours. This has been the best time for bathing him and tummy time.  He stays awake, alert and hungry pretty much every night during that time frame, and last night was no exception. Lucky for me though, staying up that long just before bed helps him to sleep for a longer period during the night, which is what happened again last night. He has slept 6 hours straight three nights this week!  I hope it stays that way!  We got pretty lucky with Dakoda sleeping through the night, starting at about a month and a half old and he has been a great sleeper ever since.  It would be amazing if Bently follows in his footsteps!!  That’s about all I’ve got for this week, so until next Thursday, have a wonderful week!

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My struggle with postpartum anxiety.

*I will be doing another post tomorrow!  Check back to read all about our adventures over the last week!  A lot has happened!*

Hey guys!  Its Thursday, and I should be exactly 38 weeks pregnant today!  Instead, I’ve got an exactly 5 week old baby that has been home for exactly 2 weeks.  Life has a funny way of laughing in the face of someone who gets an unhealthy amount of anxiety when things are not planned out down to the last possible detail!  I never thought it was possible, but lately, I find myself laughing back a lot more often instead of losing my shit completely!  You see, for the past 8 years I have been, what some people might call, a legit basket case.  It all started with a little untreated postpartum anxiety that spiraled out of control until it eventually consumed all of my thoughts and actions.  You know that feeling you get just after you slam on your brakes and look in the rearview mirror and it doesn’t look like the car behind you is gonna be able to stop in time?  Your stomach drops to your feet for a second until you see that he has stopped, just short of slamming into the ass end of your car, where your kids are sleeping in the back seat.  Whew.  Or maybe you’ve seen Final Destination 2 on more than one occasion.  It’d be a feeling similar to the split second when you end up right behind a logging truck and you’re *pretty sure* you saw a couple of those logs slide backward toward your windshield, and that scene flashes in your mind. You hurry to switch lanes and pass them ASAP.  Once you see that semi full of logs in your rearview,  you feel relief because you did not, in fact, get decapitated by a rogue log.  That’s how anxiety feels.  That is how I feel most of the time, every day, minus the relief.  Anxiety disorders are hell, and sometimes you dont even know that anxiety is a real thing and start to think you’re going insane.  Seemingly immediately after giving birth to Dakoda 8 long years ago, my anxiety levels went from ‘maybe-a-tad-higher-than-normal’ to ‘there-is-definitely-something-way-wrong-with-something-somewhere’.  During the first week home with our new baby, I cried incessantly nearly daily and even I had no idea why I was inconsolable most of the time, myself.  I kind of brushed it off, chalking it up to hormones and a case of the baby blues.  I wasn’t sad that I had this beautiful baby boy, I was terrified that I would lose him.  He slept in a bassinet right next to my bed for the first 4 months.  When he was very obviously too big for it, I still didn’t want him in a crib in a different room.  I could never sleep, even though he started completely sleeping through the night by a month old.  I was constantly checking to make sure he was breathing and had to check as often as possible or I was convinced he’d stop breathing and I wouldn’t get to him in time to revive him.  I didn’t allow children to come to my house for the first few months.  I had a pretty irrational fear that they would pass something along to him that would kill him.  I knew it was irrational but it didn’t stop me from feeling that way.  I remember his first doctor visit.  They have a ‘well child’ side of the waiting room and an ‘sick child’ side.  A little girl came over from the ‘sick child area’ and walked right up to his car seat and was touching him and talking to him.  I wondered where the hell her mother was & why she was letting her snot nosed daughter touch my baby.  I cried, right there in the half full waiting room, because I just knew that little girl gave him the virus that would kill him.  I sound like a crazy person, right??  That was my life for a long time, the entire duration of his infancy.  Eventually, once he was around 6 or 7 months old (the age when risk of SIDS drops dramatically), it calmed a little.  At least it did in that aspect.  It sort of manifested from irrational fear of something terrible happening to Dakoda to an irrational fear of a lot of things.  Things like: ‘why did I say that thing to that person last week?  She probably thinks I’m weird for sure now.  Omg this person wants to come over and hang out?  What if she thinks my house is dirty or I say something stupid? What if she thinks this shirt makes me look fat? My dad has been overtired a lot lately and now he fell?  What if he has a brain tumor and dies?’ Stupid stuff like that went on in my brain all.  the.  time.  It even was to the point that I didn’t want to go hang out with friends or even attend family events because I was too worried about all the things that could possibly go wrong, even though I KNEW that it was highly unlikely any of it would ever actually happen.  I didn’t like meeting new people because I felt like it would be awkward and I wouldn’t know what to say.  It wasn’t just socially that I experienced these feelings, it was about almost everything.  Its like part of your mind knows that you’re overreacting, the other part of your mind is giving you worst case scenarios, and your body is in almost constant fight or flight mode.  I could be doing something as mundane as calling to order take out, but my body feels the way I imagine someone would feel just before jumping out of a plane to skydive.  It is absolutely exhausting; which only makes things worse.  People think you’re always making up excuses to get out of plans with them, and cancelling plans actually makes your anxiety kick into overdrive anyway.  In reality you just do not have the energy for another big fight or flight session, which is definitely exactly what would be happening, even when you’re just hanging out with an old friend.  That is pretty much the best I can explain anxiety to anyone who has never had to deal with it.  I tried a ton of different antianxiety meds over the past 6 or so years.  It took me at least 2 of those years to realize that I wasn’t actually crazy and to put a name with what had been going on in my head all this time: generalized anxiety disorder, or GAD.  After all those years, I had finally dicovered that I have an actual mental illness that is treatable.  Unfortunately, none of the medications I have tried up to this point worked for me, at all.  All of the 6 or so medications I have tried either made me extremely sick, or made me even more tired than I already was, which only made matters worse.  After those 6 unsuccessful attempts to get my anxiety under control with medication, along with better eating habits & regular exercise, I basically came to the conclusion that this is just who I am now and I will just have to deal with living this way.  Once Bently entered into this world the way he did, tiny and fragile, it made me reconsider.  If he was going to be in a different county than I during his nicu stay, I was going to be a fuckin basket case if I didn’t try something! So, I made the decision to try one more antianxiety med before I ever even left the hospital.  Although I was considered ‘low risk’ for depression according to the questionnaire all new moms fill out, I knew my anxiety would be a problem for me. I asked the doctor if there was something I could start right away, in hopes of nipping it in the bud this time around.  She was very supportive and worked with me to find a med I hadn’t tried up to that point, and one that would also be safe for breastfeeding.  She decided to start me on a very low dose and we could increase it after a month or 2, if need be.  After about 2 weeks on the medication, I kind of noticed that my anxiety wasn’t nearly as bad as it has been the past 8 years while driving into the city and home. Normally, all of the construction and lanes and traffic on the expressways would send me into a panic every single time. Yet, there I was, more calm than I can ever remember being while driving in the heart of the city in all of my 12 years driving!  That night, I realized I was actually looking forward to waking up in the morning rather than looking forward to bed.  I would call down to the nicu every morning and night to check on Bently and after the first few nights, I didn’t sob uncontrollably not being able to see for myself.  I eventually was able to sleep at night instead of waiting for a phone call that would surely be delivering some terrible news about my baby.  It has been almost 5 weeks since I started taking this medication.  I can breath again.  I can laugh again.  I can talk to strangers and make phone calls without feeling like I’m about to jump out of an airplane anymore.  Insignificant things roll off my shoulder rather than slowly driving me batshit crazy.  I’m able to actually enjoy my baby, as well as Dakoda, my husband, my family and friends.  I no longer miss out on all of the amazing, little things, in life.  I am able to concentrate on the things that matter instead of only concentrating on what might possibly go wrong.  I realize this is a super long post, and I appreciate everyone taking the time to read my story.  I feel so much better about my life and myself now that I have found a treatment option that works for me.  I know there are a lot of people who struggle with anxiety, just like I do.  Its awesome to feel ‘normal’ again and if one single person can find some hope through this post, that would be amazing.  Even if the words on this post are never read by a set of eyes other than my own, it feels awesome to get it off my chest and to be able to say, with 100% honesty, that I feel better about my life than I have in a very, very long time!  All it took was a little faith and giving treatment one more shot. 

*I will be doing another post tomorrow!  Check back to read all about our adventures over the last week!  A lot has happened!*

Its been a while!

I apologize for the very large lack of posts!  I have decided to start doing weekly posts from now on, most likely on Thursdays.

Let’s see, I left off with the amazing news that we got to bring Bently home last Thursday!  It has been super crazy around here ever since, so I’m not even sure where to start!  We got lucky with Bently’s homecoming being the day before a long holiday weekend started.  Jayson was able to spend 5 days home and only had to use one vacation day.  That leaves a little wiggle room in his leftover PTO, in case something else comes up and he needs a paid day off.  I never wanted last weekend to end!  We were in our own little happy new baby bubble.  Bently mostly just sleeps, poops, eats & sleeps some more.  That didn’t stop any of us from snuggling him for the whole weekend straight, though :). At first it all felt so surreal to me, almost as if he had just been born on Thursday.  I feel like I had just finally gotten a routine down for our nicu visits, then got to bring him home and try to fall into a new one.  The most difficult thing I have struggled with since he’s been home is pumping breast milk!  It already was not my most favorite thing to do, and now I’ve got to feed him from a bottle as well as pump.  I won’t lie, giving up on breastfeeding has crossed my mind on more than one occasion!  I am just barely able to keep up with him!!  He eats so much better, and a lot more, at home than he ever did while he was in the nicu.  I would love to be able to just breastfeed instead of bottle feeding breast milk, but he has to have a fortifier added to it to help him gain weight.  I have been able to get him to latch and eat from the breast successfully, so it is disappointing that I can’t just do it all the time.  His overnight habits haven’t been too terrible so far, he wakes up only once between 10pm when I go to bed and 5am when I wake up. He also hardly ever cries unless I take too long to get the bottle to him. He’s such a sweet baby!  He had his first visit with our regular pediatrician on Tuesday.  The doctor was very happy with how he is doing!  His weight increased from 4lb 13oz the day he came home to 5lb 8oz on the day of his appointment!  His only issue is plugged tear ducts, which cause him to have yucky eyes fairly often, but should correct themselves by the time he is six months old.

Dakoda has been adjusting pretty well to having his baby brother at home.  He loves him so much and is very eager to help when he can.  He also enjoys loving on his baby brother as often as possible.  As I stated in my last post, Dakoda is back to school now.  Go figure, before the second week even started, Dakoda got sick.  He’s got a cough, runny nose & a sore throat.  I make him wash his hands immediately after returning home from school and have him use hand sanitizer as often as possible, especially before touching his baby brother. The respiratory aspect of this illness makes me very nervous.  The last thing we want is to end up back in the nicu!  I had to have Dakoda refrain from giving his brother kisses for the time being, and he is very upset about it!  I try to encourage him to kiss his feet if he thinks he must.  That has really been the only issue as far as negative feelings Dakoda has about not being an only child anymore.

I realize this post is super unorganized and maybe even a little hard to follow.  Over the next week, I will start writing down main points I’d like to address along with any humorous happenings or interesting thoughts to add to my next post.  Thank you all for bearing with me & be on the lookout for my next post on Thursday!  Thank you!

The past 3 days..

I realize that I haven’t been posting daily since Tuesday.  On Tuesday, I was having a really ROUGH day.  Bently should have been discharged on Tuesday, but since he missed his 9th bottle he had to start over.  I was a hot mess all day on Tuesday & I could not stop crying.  I decided I would post again Wednesday and that you all could forgive me for missing one day.  Then on Wednesday morning, Bently made it a whole 24hrs with his feeds and his feeding tube was removed!!  Everyone was talking about discharge for him on Thursday, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up- or jinx it.  I told nobody but my husband that if he kept eating well, that we could bring him home Thursday morning.  I was also pretty worried that he’d get really close and have to start over again.  I decides to hold off on a post until I knew for sure.  Yesterday morning, I called down to the nicu to see how he did over night.  He did wonderfully!!  It was official, we could bring him home later Thursday morning!! After we went through all the discharge paperwork and education, we walked out of that nicu with our baby in tow.  They let us keep him!!  I never thought we’d get out of there!  Bently weighed in at 4lb 13oz on wed night.  I’m almost positive he is at 5lbs even by tonight!  I meant to catch you all up yesterday, but obviously we had a whole new lifestyle to adjust to again.  Waking up to feed him every 3 hours is like heaven after being separated from him for over 3 weeks!  If I’m being honest, he actually ate way more often than that last night.  He was well above his minimum of 80mls per 6hrs.  More like 100mls, at least.  I got his first pediatrician appointment set up for Tuesday, which is also Dakoda’s birthday.  Let the newborn adventures finally begin!!

 

 

Bumps in the road & first day back to school (Day 18)

On Bently and the NICU; Last night at my 10pm phone call to the nicu, Bently was still going strong eating all his bottles.  At 9pm last night, he was on his 4th in a row.  He also had lost half an ounce but considering his huge gain the night before, its not a big deal.  When I got there this morning, I found out he also took full feedings by mouth at 12am, 3am AND 6am!  How exciting right?!  Wrong.  He had 7 full feedings in a row, and his feeding tube comes out after 8.  Well he only ate about half of his 9am bottle today.  It was awfully discouraging to hear that news because that means we’re back at square one, and he has to start all over.  To add insult to injury, just after I got the news about the 9am bottle, I got a visit from the nicu’s discharge nurse.  She informed me that Bently was on the discharge list for tomorrow.  She gave me his welcome home gift, and started to go over what steps we will take to proceed with his discharge tomorrow.  Then, I told her about the 9am feeding and that he had to have half of it gavaged.  Discharge for tomorrow was out the window.  It is so frustrating!!!  I fed Bently his noon bottle and he finished the entire thing with 10 minutes to spare.  If he can do 15 more then maybe he can come home on Wednesday, but I definitely won’t be holding my breath!  He also got the ok from the ‘car seat safety specialist’ to take his test in the car seat we previously brought down.  She also said that the seat is safe for him to ride in the car in.  Hopefully Bently will power through the next 15 feedings and come home midweek.  Prayers are appreciated!

 

On Back to School for Koda; Dakoda actually got up this morning without a complaint!  He was super stoked to have his buddy Bryott back for the ride to & from school, as well as for a couple hours after.  They both fell right back into our morning routine without a hitch.  I successfully dropped them both off to their first day of the 2016/2017 school year!  I walked them both to their classes to make sure they got where they needed to go.  I could tell Koda was choking back tears as we said our goodbyes.  I think he will do great, though!  I’m really hoping he enjoys his class this year as well as having his first male teacher.  Only time will tell…

The concert, nicu day 17 & back to school

On the concert; First of all, I’ll get the concert details out of the way.  It was absolutely amazing and I’m so glad I still went.  Rob Thomas’s song, ‘Little Wonders’ has been a staple song on my playlist since just before Bently was born.  It has continually reminded me to live in the present and to slow down and take in the ‘small hours’ that our lives are comprised of.  I’ve been trying to keep that in mind throughout our nicu journey as well.  Appreciate and soak in the small stuff.  Watching Dakoda plant a tender kiss on his baby brother.  Seeing Jayson with our 2 boys and remembering exactly why I fell in love with him.  Jamming with Koda in the car on the way to NICU.  Bently smiling when he hears mommy’s voice.  The song has really inspired me to try not to sweat the small stuff and just to remember what this life is really all about at the end of the day.  Being able to sing along with my favorite artist to a song that means so much to me, while we were in the same spot at the same time, was a moment I will never forget.  I’m so grateful to Jayson for buying me the tickets, and even more grateful that he talked me out of the guilt I had about going.  It truly was a once in a lifetime experience for me. 🙂

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Rob Thomas on stage last night

On our lil preemie; Mr Bently gained a whopping 80g last night!!  That is just 10g shy of 3oz!  That gain brings him up to a heavy 4lb 9oz,  he’s only 5 tiny grams from 4lb 10oz!  We are so excited that our lil man is putting on the lbs at such an incredible rate :). He’s also been doing pretty darn good with his eating!  He finished 2 whole bottles overnight last night.  He ate a good 32mls out of his 9am bottle this morning also.  When I got there this morning, around 1030am, he was in a normal crib (like the ones you use during your hospital stay when having a baby) instead of the isolette. He was also in a different spot in the same ‘area’ he has been in since birth.  He was moved to the back of the room (there are 7 babies in his area) as opposed to the front, right near the entrance to his area.  Its a lot more private, but now the poor thing is directly across from a baby that screams constantly.  I think he’s pretty used to it though, because it definitely doesn’t wake him up at all.  I’m starting to grow suspicious that her screams are the real reason he’s always got his hands covering his ears. 😂 . I got the privilege of doing his noon “care time” today (I usually always do).  I changed his little butt and noticed his cord has fallen off!!  I’m so sad I’m missing out on all of those little moments we normally would take for granted, but happy to spend as much time as possible with our new baby boy 💞   After I changed him, I fed him his bottle.  He finished the entire 40mls for me (and then some because he had an extra 3 or 4mls)!!  He also acted like he was still starvin marvin for a good 20 mins after!  My little piggy, hope he keeps eating like that! If he were to finish 15 more in a row, he could come home on Tuesday. I honestly don’t think that’s is going to happen, though.  He will do so good for a couple feedings, then be too tired for the next few.  He is making more progress with every passing day though!  I will say that I don’t think he will be there much longer than maybe another week and a half.  After he ate, we snuck in an amazing, hour long skin to skin session.  I truly believe those kangaroo care hours Bently and I spend together are not only great bonding moments for both of us, but also super beneficial for him health wise.  Starting tomorrow, we will get to have our skin to skin bonding sessions daily, instead of just a couple of times a week! Dakoda usually gets too restless if we stay too much longer than 1.5-2hrs.  I get it, its pretty difficult to have to sit still and be quiet when you’re 7 year old boy.  Luckily, Koda has his first day of school in tomorrow!  Please continue to pray for our family.  We really do appreciate it. 🙏 😊 . I am a firm believer in the power of prayer!!

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My littlest beautiful baby, Bently, today during my visit

On the home front; Big bro Dakoda starts his first day of 3rd grade tomorrow!  Its going to be a challenge for me to get back on that schedule and find time to pump before we go to school, but I’m sure everything will fall into place.  I’m really looking forward to spending some time with Bently one on one while Dakoda is at school.  I’m also looking forward to continuing our tradition of mom driving him to his first day, which is what I will be doing tomorrow :). We also will have Koda’s best bud, B, back in the mornings before school and for an hour or so after school.  He is most excited about that.  Wish us luck on our first day of 3rd grade!!!

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My oldest beautiful baby, Dakoda, last Wednesday at his 3rd grade orientation.

Day 16

I don’t have a whole lot of new information today.  It is literally just a waiting game at this point.  Bently ended up being too small for the car seat we have for him, so we didn’t get to do the car seat test last night.  I will be purchasing a new one that he will fit into directly from the hospital on Monday just so I know for sure that  his car seat will be safe for him until he’s up to 5lbs.  He will do his car seat test then also.  Then all we are waiting for is Bently to eat his 16 entire bottles in a row.  He did very well overnight last night.  He was able to eat 2 entire bottles as well as between 18 & 25mls/40mls for his other feedings through 9am.  We were there for his noon feeding and he seemed very eager to eat, but in the end he only finished 14mls before passing out and having the remaining 26mls through his gavage tube.  I’m not discouraged though!  He continues to do better and better with his feedings with each passing day and I’m positive he will get there very soon.

On another note, Jayson purchased tickets for a concert for me as a birthday gift way back in June. Keep in mind, at this point I should still have a month left of my pregnancy.  The tickets are for Rob Thomas, the lead singer of matchbox 20.  I have waited my whole life to see this man in concert!!  Had Bently came home today, I wouldn’t be attending.  However, since he remains in the nicu & I would just be sitting at home thinking about him anyway, I have decided not to waste 2 perfectly good tickets.  I think it’ll be a good opportunity for me to have some fun and take my mind off all of the chaos we’ve had going on in our lives as of late.  It will be tricky to still manage to get all my pumping in, but I will manage somehow!  I’ll be back down to see my precious little baby in the morning as well as still calling him at 930 tonight as well.  I’ll talk to you all tomorrow after our visit! 💙